Bad Habits -- part 3

Title: Bad Habits (3/3)

Rating: PG-13

Author: Heath07

Disclaimer: I don’t own anything, etc.

Summary: (The Office Pam/Jim)Sequel/Companion to Maintaining the Lie.

Part 3

The minute Jim gets to work, blurry-eyed and in major need of strong coffee, he’s dragged into a meeting with Jan and Michael. They both avoid looking at each other so much that it becomes obvious and Jim can feel the tension bursting to escape from the room.

“As you know, most of the candidates took an aptitude test,” Jan states, in her usual calm and cool manner. Sometimes Jim gets a little creeped out by her professionalism, like he forgets that he works in an office and there are people that actually give a crap if they’re doing a good job or not.

Jan is smiling at him and from the corner of his eye he can see Michael staring intently at Jan and all Jim wants to do is run out of the office, head for the elevator and never look back.

There’s some weird, silent battle between his two superiors and the only way this could be any more uncomfortable is if Dwight was also in the room poking him in the eye with needles.

“Anyway, I’m very pleased to tell you that you scored much higher than most of the other applicants.”

Jan is smiling at him again and it’s like she’s waiting for him to explode with glee, like he’s supposed to react a certain way, but it’s more like some private joke that he doesn’t know the punch line to.

“Um, great. What does that mean, exactly?”

“We want you to come to New York and work for corporate. You’d have your own office, a secretary, an upgraded health care plan, and, of course, a salary boost.”

Jim sits back in his chair, trying to absorb what she’s just said.

“Wow, that’s, uh, that’s a really great offer. Can I have some time to think about it?”

“Absolutely.”

“Well, this is a-mazing!” Michael says, jumping out from behind his desk and clapping Jim on the back. “I just knew one day a protégé of mine would reach their full potential. Come on!”

“Michael, what are you going to do?” Jan says, sternly.

“Just a little morale boost.”

“Michael, really--”

“Okay, so big news!” Michael interrupts, all ready leading Jim out of his office. Jan follows them out, her arms crossed over her chest. “Big news, everyone! Listen up!”

Michael goes on to explain about Jim’s job offer and how instrumental he was in fostering the career of one of their own. Blah blah blah.

Suddenly there’s cheap champagne from Michael’s private stash in his desk drawer and congratulations are being tossed around.

Jim’s uncomfortable with all the positive attention. From the corner of his eye, he sees Pam walk in, late, and he smiles at her.

The first moment he gets, he slides away from Michael and maneuvers himself closer to Pam, listening closely to her conversation with Kelly and Angela. From what he can tell, she doesn’t know he’s moved. He just needs an opportunity to get her attention so they can slip away, undetected, and he can tell her about the job offer himself.

“What’s all the fuss?” Pam says.

“Jim, like, got offered a job in New York! I just think that is like, the greatest thing that could have happened to him! I’m so going to miss him, though. Jim is like this really great listener. But New York! Can you even believe it? There are so many cool places there! New York never sleeps. I totally believe that because this one time my friend and I went there to a nightclub and, seriously, by the time we were all tired out from dancing and ready to go home, everything was still open! And just imagine all the places there are to go shopping. Like Bloomingdales and--”

“And he’s taking it?” Pam says, turning away from Kelly who is still jabbering on about the shopping district.

“Looks that way,” Angela says, pointedly.

“I—I have to go.”

And suddenly Pam is moving to the exit and Jim is trapped between Kevin and Creed and he can’t follow.

Jan pulls him to the side.

“Jim, really give this some thought. Can you say this is honestly what you want for the rest of your life? You’re wasting your potential here.”

“Yeah, okay, thanks,” he says, distractedly, before he’s being pulled off into the opposite direction.

He takes a beer out of the fridge, grabs the portable phone off the kitchen counter and dials Jen’s number.

Breaking up with her is easier than he thought it would be.

When there’s a knock on the door he’s not expecting anyone and so when he opens it, he literally gasps when Pam in on the other side.

She has showered, her face is scrubbed clean and anyone looking at her would be able to tell that she has been crying.

“Hi,” she says.

“Hey,” he returns.

“So, uh, I heard you were leaving.”

“Maybe. I haven’t decided yet,” he says, a little hostile.

“Oh,” she says and looks down at the welcome mat under her feet.

“Want to come in?” he says and holds open the door.

“Yes,” she answers, sounding relieved. She ducks under his arm and walks past him into the living room.

“Where’s, uh, where’s your roommate?” she says, looking around.

“Sleeping,” he answers shortly. “Want something to drink?”

She appears to think about it for a few seconds and then shakes her head.

“No. No, I’m okay.”

“Wanna sit?”

“Um…” She looks around, indecisively.

“Not a hard question, Pam.”

He knows he’s being harsh, almost cruel, but there’s something inside him that is taking a stand. He can’t just let her control his life like this anymore, even if she has no idea she’s doing it.

He takes the cap off his beer and has a long pull. There’s nothing like a little liquid courage to give him strength.

Pam begins to pace. He tries to follow her with his eyes, until he gets a little dizzy and gives up.

Finally she stops. Turns.

Her hands are pressed tightly together, right over left and clutched to her chest.

“Jim, if you left, I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to.”

He lets out a small chortle. Because what she’s saying is beyond funny. Doesn’t she see the humour behind her words? Jim decides to enlighten her.

“You’d have Roy.”

“But it wouldn’t be the same,” she says, very softly.

He sees the vulnerability behind her words. The connection between them flares brightly and he can’t keep up this act. He sighs deeply.

“I guess not.”

She takes a few steps closer, so they’re not quite touching, but if he reached out and she reached out, just a little, they would be.

“Can we go to your room?”

He closes his eyes and swallows.

“Why?” he says, tentatively, afraid of her answer.

Time ticks by. Seconds turn into minutes. And when three minutes have elapsed, she answers. She reaches out and takes his hand.

“Just…because.”

“Okay.”

She leads them upstairs, never once letting go of his hand. He can feel himself beginning to sweat as uncertainty and doubt take hold.

“I like your room.”

“Yeah?” he says, following closely behind. He examines his room as if never having seen the space before.

“Yeah. It feels like you.”

She drops his hand and he just stands in the middle of the room where she left him to explore her surroundings.

She pulls open his closet door before he has a chance to stop her. Reaching in, she pulls out the ugly busted cast he’s kept tucked away.

“What made you keep this?” she says, examining her drawing. Her fingers trail every line wistfully and he has to look away.

He takes a deep cleansing breath.

“I just did. I--”

He doesn’t get to finish because she presses her body against his and pulls him into a kiss.

Her lips are warm and searching and her hands are winding their way under his shirt.

“Jim,” she whispers and her voice is thick with tears.

He pulls away as soon as he realizes what’s happening.

“I can’t,” he says and wipes his mouth.

He could sink into her; drown in a sweaty pile of limbs and passion and desire. But he wants more. He wants all of her. He wants the beautiful parts, the laughter and the joy; and the ugly parts, the parts everyone hates about themselves, so he can take them and love them and make them beautiful; and he wants the parts she never lets anyone see, the bold truths and quiet revelations. He wants her to show them all to him.

He wants it all.

Sometimes he thinks he’s hiding the fact that he’s a man when he’s with Pam. Like he’s always playing it safe and she forgets that he has needs. That he would take her up on any offer—pin her to the wall, kiss her until neither one of them could breathe, touch her everywhere, thoroughly and carefully, move his large hands up her thighs and then…

He’d do those things right now if he didn’t love her so goddamn much. Because Pam’s not ready for everything he needs or wants or hopes for. She’s not ready to have a passionate night of lovemaking and then stay around afterwards while he holds her and lets his fingers explore the softness of her skin, until she falls asleep under the relaxing rhythm of his touch. She’s not ready for that. And if he lets this continue she’ll spook and run and everything he’s ever wanted will go up in smoke just like that fucking cheese sandwich Ryan almost burned down the office with so long ago.

“What?” she says, self consciously touching her bottom lip.

“Is this because I’m leaving or do you--”

She drops her hand and takes a step back.

“So you are going then?”

The silence stretches.

“Jim?”

“No.”

“No what?”

“No, I’m not leaving. Does that change things?”

“No. I--”

“Have you broken up with Roy?”

He has to turn this around on her. If she knew how much he wants her, how she leaves him shaking…

“I thought I ha everything figured out and then… It’s…complicated.”

“Then I can’t. I can’t be that guy for you. I’m just not…it’s not who I am.”

“I know. I know that. And I don’t even know why I did that. No, that’s a lie. You’re in my head. And I don’t mean, like, I’m hearing voices and you’re one of them. I mean, I can’t stop myself from…from, I don’t know, thinking about you and what my future would be like…with you. I know it’s wrong. And I know I shouldn’t be telling you this, but you’re my best friend and there is no one else and I know what all this sounds like. Maybe it’s just wedding jitters like everyone says, but--”

“Please.”

“I think I--”

“Please, just don’t. Don’t finish.”

“Jim,” she says and it comes out husky. When her hands brush his a shiver runs down his back.

“I can’t. You have no idea how much I want to. But I can’t. So you have to go.”

She takes a step back and her eyes turn dark.

“I need you to go,” he says, softly, resisting the urge to pull her close and to do all the things he’s been thinking about for the past three, almost four, years.

“Please, go.”

She nods her head, unable to take her eyes off of him and backs up until she hits the door.

He leans over her, so close he can smell her shampoo and feel her breath sporadically on his chest.

He reaches to open the door for her, but she doesn’t go, she holds onto him tightly and she’s shaking and maybe crying, just a little.

His forearm is wrapped around her in an instant and he pulls her in close. He can feel where his skin is touching her skin where her shirt has ridden up and it’s too much sensation and not enough all at once.

“Jim, I think I--”

“Shhh.” He silences her and gathers the strength to open the door. “I’ll bring you home.”

She nods against him, but doesn’t meet his eyes.

Things are tense and Jim finds it hard to make eye contact with Pam.

The day drags on and when five o’clock rolls around Jim’s relieved to go home and think about things without the constant distraction the office provides.

“So, what’s up?” Pam says, as she casually passes by Jim’s desk.

His attention wavers from his computer screen. “Uh, not much. I just convinced Dwight to apply for his unicorn hunting license. Other than that...”

“You must be really bored.” She giggles.

“Yeah, that’s putting it mildly.”

“Well, maybe--” she starts and then bites her lip.

“What?”

“It’s just…maybe you’re not being challenged enough. Maybe if you took that job…”

Jim swivels around and waits for Pam to look him in the eye. “Do you want me to take it?”

“No. I just think…maybe it will make you happy.”

“I’m perfectly happy doing what I’m doing.”

“Are you?”

She doesn’t wait for his response and he’s stuck watching her retreating figure as she heads into the kitchen.

“Hey, what’s going on?”

“I broke up with Roy.”

The shock, the pure and utter shock, can’t be wiped away from his face.

“Oh. Uh…come in. Come in.”

He feels like an idiot, standing in the doorway, watching as she drips all over the hardwood floors.

“I’ll, uh, I’ll be right back.”

The walk to the linen closet is not an easy one. All the thoughts in his head roll together and refuse to coagulate. He picks a big fluffy light green towel and hurries back to his guest.

“Here,” he says and tries to hand it to her. When she doesn’t take it, he drapes it over her shoulders and rubs his hands up and down her arms to stave off a chill.

“I feel surprisingly light. Is that weird? I mean, it seems weird.”

Jim’s not really sure what to say, so he doesn’t say anything. He guides her to the couch and helps her sit down, keeping the towel wrapped tightly around her shoulders.

Pam lets her head fall to the side and gently wipes the side of her face. Jim pulls her closer, feeling how cold her skin is.

“Pam?”

“I’m sorry. I’m always doing this to you,” she answers, softly.

“Doing what?”

“Crying on your shoulder,” she says, laughing and crying at the same time.

Jim smiles.

“That’s what it’s there for. See, right there, that part totally was made for crying on.”

He holds her eyes until a smile slowly forms on her face.

“Are we alone? Your roommate?”

“He’s at his girlfriend’s house.”

“Oh.”

“But, uh…we’re not alone.”

“Oh, I-I didn’t-”

Pam tries to stand, but Jim holds her tightly.

“Relax, it’s not what you think. Sasha--Toby’s daughter—she’s upstairs, asleep.” Pam looks at him in confusion. “Yeah, I um, I’m babysitting,” he further explains.

Okay, so he’s really lame. He has to be for staying in on a Saturday night to baby-sit, right? It’s for a good cause he assures himself.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, I dunno. I guess Toby and his ex are trying to work things out and, you know, I volunteered my services for the night.”

“That’s nice. I guess it’s never too late.”

“Yeah, I guess not.”

They’re both silent. Before Jim gives himself proper time to think about it, he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

“Look, you want to stay here tonight? I doubt the rain’s going to let up anytime soon. You can take my bed and I’ll sleep on the couch. I’ll be the perfect gentlemen, I swear.”

Jim can’t read Pam’s face and he’s already chastising himself for being such an idiot when her quiet voice breaks through his mental reprimand.

“That sounds…nice.”

“Uh, really?”

It seems almost too easy.

“I don’t really feel like being anywhere else.”

“Okay, let me just get my stuff from my room and then it’s all yours.”

“Jim?”

He’s halfway up the stairs when her voice stops him.

“Yeah?”

“You don’t have to be the perfect gentleman all the time.”

He takes a deep breath.

“Tonight I do.”

“Okay.”

It’s the middle of the night and he’s not quite awake, but he sprints up and flips on the lights, blinking against the sudden brightness.

“Pam?” he says and takes a step toward her.

“Sorry. I-I was thirsty and I was just going to get some water from the kitchen, but I couldn’t see, and I didn’t want to turn on any lights because I didn’t want to wake you or Sasha up, but then I stubbed my toe and… Sorry.”

She’s staring at him. He grabs his shirt off the back of the couch and slips in on over his head.

She’s wearing his clothes. Of course he knew she would be. He is the one that set them out for her. But still, she’s wearing one of his old t-shirts and it’s really long on her, but he can still make out the shape of her thighs...

Jim shakes his head, effectively taking all the dirty thoughts out of his head...at least for the moment.

“Here. Sit. Let’s take a look at that toe.”

“Okay, but if you say we have to call the toe truck, I might have to hit you.”

“Noted.”

His brain is mush. Officially mush.

Jim takes a second just to look at Pam before he inspects her toe. She has little pillow crease lines on her face and her hair is a mess and she is beautiful. If this isn’t love, he doesn’t want to be told any different.

“Okay, let’s see what we’ve got here.” Ever so gently he touches her big toe and when she hisses and squirms, he can’t help but smile.

“Oww.”

“Sorry.”

“S’okay.”

“I think you’ll live.”

“I don’t know, Jim, it looks pretty serious to me.”

“Do I need to slip some Tylenol into a pudding cup?”

“Did you just compare me to Michael?”

“No, I was simply asking if you wanted a delicious pudding cup,” Jim says, doing his worst Bill Cosby impersonation.

“You’re so lame.”

“Thank you. You ready to go back to bed?”

“I guess.” She shrugs.

“What’s the problem, Pam?” he asks, in the same soothing tone he would use with a five-year-old.

“I’m just having a hard time falling asleep,” she says.

“Hang on. Come with me, I might have something that will help.”

Pam limps up the stairs behind him and Jim has to hide his smile behind his hand.

“Go on and get in bed,” he says, still in the same pleasing tone.

Jim makes a big show of going into his closet and pulling out box after box before finding the one he’s looking for. Grabbing out what he needs from the box, he walks over to Pam and sits on the edge of the bed, folding a tattered blanket across his lap.

“Now, Pam--”

“No, tell me that isn’t what I think it is,” she says, sitting up with excitement.

He laughs.

“So I’m sentimental.”

She rolls her eyes.

“That’s one word for it.”

“Look, do you want it or not?”

“Want,” she says and reaches for it.

“Hang on, hang on. Before I give it to you, I have some rules.”

“Rules? Seriously?”

“Oh, yes, Pam. There are rules. Number one: do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances, lose the blankie. Two: try to keep the drooling to a minimum, okay? And three… actually, I don’t have a third rule, but things that happen in threes tend to be more effective. Do you think you can handle it?”

“I will try my best.”

“Good enough. Here you go.”

She immediately hugs the blanket and it makes Jim laugh. She looks so innocently young and it feels really good to look into her eyes and not see confusion or pain anymore.

He leans over and kisses her forehead chastely.

“Night, Beesley.”

“Night.”

He’s almost out the door when she stops him.

“Hey, Jim?”

“Yeah?” he says, turning around.

“You still having that dream. That, uh, shark one?”

“Oh. No. No, not anymore.”

“That’s good,” she says and readjusts her blankets before settling down. Jim watches for a minute and then closes the door. He rests against the closet door in the hallway and takes a deep breath.

Pam’s in his bed and she’s in his heart and that’s enough for now. He doesn’t want to rush it. Rush her. After all, she’s his favourite bad habit that he just can’t break.

--End--